Rather be yours

There is something about belonging that we both desire and fear. I think most of us feel a deep need to be part of something. I know I do. At the same time, I have a strong instinct to maintain my independence - to be my own person.

In college, I knew two young people in love. I think I felt a little uncomfortable with their attachment. It all seemed very juvenile. Maybe it was. I was unattached at the time, and mostly happy about it. Seeing their interactions got me thinking.

I saw her one evening looking out into the snow and wrote these thoughts on the back of an Invitation to Dinner with the Choral Society. I've made a few minor edits since it was first written, but the essence remains the same.


What do you wish,
Standing, staring into the cold?
A friend, perhaps?
A man.
Your man.

The possessive offends some;
Some independence-minded folk
Who think they'd rather not be anybody's.
Sad –
Not being anybody's.

Can you imagine a town
That nobody claims?
No one to say
"That's my town."
Or a school with nobody shouting
"That's my school!"

Can you imagine a family of independent entities?
Introductions would be:
"Erik, I'd like you to meet
  the mom,
    and the dad,
      and the brothers,
        and the sisters.
And family – this is the man."

I suppose being "the" rather than "a"
Has some appeal,
But I'd rather be "my".
Rather be yours.


There are plenty of unhealthy attachments that serve as cautionary tales to those considering giving themselves to a relationship. So what makes a healthy attachment? I suppose it comes when each partner is giving. And each receives but never takes. When you belong but don't possess.

I didn't know at the time I wrote this poem whose "yours" I would become. It would be two more years before I had someone to truly call mine, and someone who calls me hers. And many years after that, there is still plenty for me to learn about giving and receiving. It's a fascinating, strengthening process.