Commitment

Early on in their marriage, my sister-in-law asked her husband "Why do you love me?" After a thoughtful pause, he replied "Because I'm committed to you."

I think she felt some initial disappointment at his answer. Maybe she was looking for some compliment like "You're beautiful" or "You're the smartest woman I know" or "You're so good to me".

She soon realized the depth of his answer. It meant that his love did not depend on how she looked, or what she knew, or even how she behaved. His love for her was rooted in commitment. He loved her for her and forever.

He still does.

I'm not sure it matters so much which comes first - love or commitment - but at some point you need both. There are plenty of examples of arranged marriages where the initial commitment blossomed into love. And plenty of counter examples where feelings of love never quite matured into commitment.

Even contemplating the decision to be married to one person forever can be terrifying. I know it felt too big for me to comprehend when it was my turn to make the decision. I took the leap because I knew she was good for me and because I felt peaceful and right about it. But did I know what I was getting into? Not really.

I think part of what makes the leap of faith into marriage so unnerving comes from the feeling that love may be something we can't control. What if we fall out of love? Will our love be strong enough to endure hard times?

I draw comfort from the understanding that commitment, which I can control, is at least as powerful a force in my marriage as love is.

I have found that both love and commitment have grown deeper along the way.